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Coping with Orlando

6/16/2016

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It's been difficult to know how to cope with the mass murder in Orlando. It's an amalgamation of emotion:
Personal safety as a queer person. Heartbreaking loss of human life. Frustration and anger around the politicking and continued lack of gun control. I go to conferences all over the country all the time. I go to a gay club in every city. I was just in Orlando! It triggers all the emotions that surface when abortion clinics, another issue close to my heart, are targeted with violence.

As I imagined the victims, other queer people of color, I reflect on the compounding difficulties of being a minority within a minority.

Today I've found some comfort by celebrating the amazing QPOC culture. What straight people don't understand is how important gay clubs are. Movies and TV portray it as a social gathering place at best and sex craved debauchery at worst - but it's so much more than that. The community that is formed; the self-actualization and validation that is often found nowhere else; the political organizing. When I think of gay clubs I think of empowering warmth (except when it's dominated by all white people, then sometimes I feel angry). And so naturally I could not help but think about Voguing.

This, of course, triggered a whole new group of cascading emotions. I felt proud of the culture that Voguing created. But I also felt sadness that such a vibrant community come under attack. I felt anger at the way that Voguing has been appropriated.

Straight folks just don't get it.  Even wikipedia, my trusted source and salvation during medical school, doesn't capture the emotional and communal importance of Voguing in their article.  Nor does it discuss how artists like Madonna and documentary artist, Jennie Livingston, have benefited from Voguing as its not clear what trickle down benefits the original communities experienced.

That being said, overall, as I watch some of my favorite Voguing videos on YouTube, I feel inspired and somehow calmed. It reminds me of the strength of our community and that even in the bleakest of times, we will rise again and celebrate ourselves. And mostly I feel gratitude that the generations, specifically in this case black and latino POCs, that have come before me (who have faced so much more than I have personally as a QPOC) have role-modeled such courage and beauty.
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Orlando Shooter Omar Mateen's Mental Health Likely to Overshadow Gun Control

6/14/2016

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I could talk about the sanctity of queer nightclubs. Queer nightclubs are to queer civil rights as black southern churches are to black civil rights.

I could point out that Donald Trump’s asinine statements about Muslims and a radicalizing second generation are exactly the kind of ignorant bigotry that spurs these sorts of hate crimes to begin with.

I won’t though, because we all know that this has already been done and will continue to be done until this devastating event’s emotional significance is reduced to meaningless babble on repeat.

However, what has yet to come is the inevitable discussion about the mental state of Omar Mateen and the role that might have played in the shooting. Already, there is foreshadowing of this discussion as journalists report those around him describing him as “bipolar” or “erratic.”

I’m nipping it in the bud. We cannot go down that path. It’s distracting and unproductive because mass shootings are not just about mental health. Of course, mental health plays a role, but guess what plays an even larger role? GUNS.
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Liberal and conservative politicians alike focus on mental health as a strategy to avoid discussing the true heart of the gun control debate. 

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Democrats use it to avoid risk. These so-called liberals like to focus on the mental health of the shooters in these high-profile tragedies. By advocating for improved mental health services and preventing the mentally ill from getting guns, they get to seem like they care about gun control without having to actually advocate for any meaningful change.

I’m the main doctor at a primary care clinic based out of an organization that provides psychiatric care and case management for patients with severe mental illness. It’s a population that is very close to my heart. I’ve had patients tell me that they would shoot me given the right circumstances. I understand both the critical shortage of resources for mental health as well as the increased risk that patients that suffer from mental illness have to behave violently.
At the same time, as a family physician I have treated an uncountable number of victims of gun violence. The vast, vast, vast majority of these patients were shot by people who either do not carry a psychiatric diagnosis or whose most serious psychiatric diagnosis is depression.

Addressing gun violence solely through the lens of mental health will never solve the problem. While I’ll be the first to tell you that the woefully underfunded state of mental healthcare is devastating to society on every level, I also believe that it is only a small part of the gun violence issue.

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New Year, Fresh Take

1/1/2016

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In celebration of the new year, I've decided to cast aside the tradition of setting resolutions. It's boring. It's hard work. In most cases, it's just straight up lying. Instead, I've decided to celebrate the new year by looking at things in a new light - a perspective change. A way to rediscover the delights in our lives that we so commonly overlook and take for granted. In that spirit, a couple of top 3 lists!

Top 3 songs that were kinda lame but then
​became amazing after their music video

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​​The corollary to that:
​A song that got significantly worse after watching the video


Top 3 songs rejuvenated by Drag

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Gaysia hits the MomsRising Blog Carnival

6/5/2013

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May was Asian Pacific American Heritage month and Momsrising.org had a blog carnival in honor of it. I haven't been writing much during my intern year, but couldn't resist contributing after getting an email blast soliciting contributors. Check out the article: Gaysian Marriage?
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Reflections and Gay Weddings

12/28/2012

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Ellen: Season Four - I'm Gay
Get More: Ellen: Season Four - I'm Gay

As the end of another year draws to a close, it seems only natural to take a moment and reflect on the last year.  I've often thought that the setting of our world can be an unfortunate combination of complicated issues that trigger political and emotional landmines while at the same time leaving little time for introspection.  As such, anytime I'm struck with the inkling of reflection, I try to embrace and grow it.

Reflection is important for emotional health. It's also imperative for personal growth. While many of my personal growth moments have been due to the generous patience and mentorship of countless of folks, I am also certain that self-reflection was a critical component.

I started my reflection with what would be best described as Hallmark thankfulness.  I have a loving and supportive family, a caring and inspiring partner, a community of friends, and a stimulating and fulfilling job. I have secure and convenient housing, access to education, a regular paycheck and I also have a steady supply of antidepressants. I'm grateful everyday. Reiterating why I'm thankful just because it's the year's end would be the easy way out.

So, I'm realizing, given my current situation, true reflection at this year's end is not just recounting what has happened or what I'm fortunate for, but really pushing myself to think about what I've been afraid to think about.  (Even beyond the typical "hard questions": Am I contributing enough to our global society? Have I been kind? Incidentally, a generous answer to both those questions would be, "sometimes.")

Even these past four paragraphs are probably longer than they ought to be because I'm reluctant to get to what I'm scared to say.

I'm anxious about having a wedding next year because I'm not totally comfortable with being queer. On top of that, admitting that I have discomfort with being queer is embarrassing for me.

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Freedom from Self-Loathing: even better than getting to pee after holding it for a long time

3/12/2012

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I’m frustrated.  The man sitting in front of me is an incredible person. He’s been the chair of medical departments and president of one of the world’s largest global health non-profits. He’s improved the lives of millions of people. I have everything to learn from him, but I can’t seem to get much from what he’s saying.

It’s hard to pin him down. He is willing to condemn fee-for-service reimbursement and endorse an accountable care organization model but the conversation stops there.  He doesn’t even give me a chance to finish asking about his thoughts on single payer; he talks right over me.  He’s most famous for both working in the pharmaceutical industry and also being a champion of increased access to medicines. When I ask him how he personally navigates the tension between the “incentive for innovation” and increasing access to medications worldwide, he describes the financial strategy of providing funding to help defray cost and risk to pharmaceutical companies, but there is no mention of his own inner, ethical dialogue.

This is my chance to take advantage of the “old boys’ club” network and I feel it being schmoozed and side-stepped away with tangentially related anecdotes.

I get the distinct feeling that this is how it feels to be a member of the press interviewing a politician and that confuses me even more because the context of our conversation is not an antagonistic one.  We were invited to chat with him over a meal so that we could learn from him -- we were even asked to submit questions ahead of time!

I’m also pretty sure that he doesn’t like me.

Dammit. How depressing. I can’t even make friends when I want to.

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A Refreshing Moment of Simple Inspiration

10/11/2011

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from our family to yours
This week is National Coming Out Week. And though we'll focus on celebrating the queer community, it's not a holiday.  And despite the fact that its whole existence is due to prejudice and hate, it's not a memorial.  When I was in high school, I started a Gay and Straight Alliance and I remember how big a deal National Coming Out Week was (though back then I think it was only a day). This was our chance to establish our presence. In an environment where any queer aspects of the curriculum were laundered and the social scene was assumed to be heterosexual, it was also our chance to challenge the norm.  With our pins prominently displayed and posters strategically hung, I remember feeling like we were walking into battle.  Long before "fierce" was campy, it was butch; and we were fierce.

As my aspirations to effect change have grown, so has the scale of my efforts.  The cynic in me says that efforts targeted at "small numbers of people" have no significant results.  The egoist in me says that my time is better spent elsewhere.  And yet I continue to advocate for grassroots change.  It turns out my hypocrisy is not only limited to telling my patients to exercise regularly.

A fellow activist and organizer once counseled me when I was complaining about how tired and burned out I was. "You need some inspiration," he said.

Last year, the business school gave out rainbow pins during National Coming Out week. By the end of the week, nearly every business student had one.  I didn't think much of it until a desperately closeted friend of mine said, "You know, seeing all these people walking around with pins -- even, like, the big footbally guys -- makes me feel like I could really come out and it would be ok."  Talk about warm and fuzzy.  Inspired by that, this year all of the queer organizations on campus came together for a button campaign targeted at the entire undergraduate and graduate student population. (See an interview with the organizer here!)

In high school things were pretty black and white for me: you either take a stand for justice or you don't. These days I feel overwhelmed by the complexities of everything. Now I'm concerned about unintentional consequences, participating in programs that are more colonial than empowering, marketing my message so that it can be heard, taking leadership without taking power, and building smart alliances without selling out.  But this button campaign... it builds a sense of community, it creates a sense of safety, and it establishes a presence. It's simple and it pleases me.
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the state of LGBT related medical education

9/9/2011

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JAMA published its annual medical education issue this week and there was an article on LGBT-related curriculum. I was asked to write a short blog response for Slate.  Check it out!
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DADT: A Repeal of Convenience

12/31/2010

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Am I the only queer person in the country that is sad about the repeal of "Don't Ask Don't Tell"? The long-delayed bill just signed into law has destroyed my plan to avoid any future military conscription.

Let me explain. Many of my male friends in college photodocumented their participation in pacifist activities.  They explained that this was their insurance policy against any eventual military draft: solid proof to support a history of conscientious objection.  As a queer person, I had another plan, though:  If anyone tried to compel me to serve in the military, before anyone could even "ask," I planned to "tell" by yelling, "I'm gay, and not in the happy way!" loudly and repeatedly, until no branch of the military would want me. Just for extra measure I would threaten to convert any and all women that I ran across.

Now, in the wake of another victory for queer rights in this country, it seems silly to not have taken pictures of myself at anti-war protests anyway.

But I have mixed feelings about the repeal of DADT for other reasons, too.  With queer folks now allowed to serve openly, it seems that yet another oppressed minority group has been pulled into being exploited by the American military-industrial complex.

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StraightWhiteMon! I choose you!

9/30/2010

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I woke up this morning with my email abuzz with the most recent gossip politics. The assistant attorney general for the state of Michigan has turned into a Mean Girl - only he's not crafty and manipulative. The biggest tool in his arsenal is stealing pictures from Facebook and using Microsoft Paint to modify them. (I feel sorry for him; he's in a bind. As a government employee, he doesn't make enough money to afford Photoshop, but he's professionally bound not to bootleg it. Thus he's reduced to creating digital creations reminiscent of five year old art projects.)

But I'm not going to spend too much time pointing out how stupid or ridiculous he is. Even his boss says “his immaturity and lack of judgment... are clear.” And it's exactly this reason why I want to call out to all Allies that this the time to speak up.

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    What I've been reading:

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    about this blog

    A place where I can write my thoughts on race, on privilege, on class, on being a doctor. Part of the endless struggle to become a little bit more enlightened and feel a little less alienated.

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    I post once or twice a month with smaller comments on mini-blog.

    about me

    My name is Jess. In the interest of full disclosure: I'm a 30-something-year-old Chinese American and believer that the quest for social justice and equity must be an intentional and active one. I'm a Family Medicine physician. I'm queer. I'm a radical. I grew up in a mostly white suburb and my parents are white-collar workers.  And I don't eat meat, but I miss it sometimes.

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