some thoughts from three years ago

8/5/2009

[a progression from 2006]

I've only begun to take ownership of my Asian identity in a non-cultural sense in the past few years. The modifier of "non-cultural" is important. My identification with my Chinese heritage in a cultural sense I have never questioned. More than that, it's something that I'm proud of and something that I've always wanted to work on. Iremember back to the time that I lived in CT. It was actually the only time in my life that I think I've strongly identified with an Asian community. We ran a Chinese school with language and cultural activities (dance, painting, etc). We had monthly parties where all the parents and kids would come together. Food. Food. Food. I remember these times very fondly and I wonder if I'll ever find that again. It occurs to me that I might never find it again unless I actively seek it out.

And I've carried those experiences with me. When I cook, I still usually cook Chinese food. Almost all of my favorite restaurants are Chinese. I take comfort in the traditions and social rules that I have learned within the context of Chinese culture. I hope one day to pass that on to my children.

But the political component of being Chinese, Asian, of color. This is very different. Until a few years ago, I think I denied its existence. In recent years i've attempted to understand and take ownership of that part of my identity, but it's still confusing to me.

---> I am a person of color. [Fact]
---> I can point to specific instances in my life where I have experienced racism or prejudice. [Fact]

---> My parents came to the United States as graduate students. [Fact]
---> I come from a background of upper middle class. [Pretty sure that's a fact. It's hard for me to understand what that actually means]

---> I am a member of the "model minority." [Fact]

It's hard for me to understand what all this means. It's a lonely intersection of the dualities of white/colored and rich/poor. The race struggle and the class struggle. And I fall on both sides of the fence. I'm growing more and more aware of the fact that I am a person of color. Part of me doesn't really know why. It's like in the past couple years, I've suddenly felt this urgency to recognize that I'm not white...

* * *
An experience I'll never forget... when I was little, my mom borrowed Spike Lee's Malcom X. We watched it as a family. I remember feeling offended - offended by the concept that whites had no place in the black movement. Offended because I identified as white.
* * *

... hand in hand with this sense of urgency: the need to take ownership of being of color. But I'm not sure what that means. I don't dare pretend that my experience is at all comparable to being black in the United States. I can't imagine that my experience is anywhere near growing up in a ghetto [race aside].

I feel conflicted. I don't have it all figured out. However, let me be clear. I'm not white-washed. I'm not a banana. I'm not a Twinkie. This has been true all my life with respect to culture. And all my life I have chosen to keep that a part of me. And I do believe much of that is choice. But the political aspect of my color is one that I cannot choose. Just like one cannot deny white privlege, I can't give this back. But I can chose to acknowledge it.

I resent ever identifying as white. It was never a decision that I made. It just happened. To me, it represents a form a structural racism in action. An unconscious association between white and unoppressed and more dangerously, white and successful... white and the system.

I think I just suddenly realized where the sense of urgency came from. I don't think that the current economic/political system is mine. I take no pride in it. I want no part in perpetuating it.

I am person of color. I am a radical.

5 Comments

8/5/2009 07:49:55 am

I read the entry and it moved me. We, Chinese Americans, are a political minority. It attracts unpleasant prejudices but at the same time gives us advantages. In the end, I am not sure that being a minority is all that bad.
Prejudices or ignorance exist all over the world. I have been in China and Taiwan frequently and have stayed there months at a time. Living there makes me think as well: what a society and culture my fellow Chinese is having? Why do they think, behave and value things the way they do? Any influence from ~5,000 year history and tradition? What’s the impact of western pop culture, US in particular, on them? KFC, McDonald’s and Pizza Hut?
I do not have any answers yet and have been confused sometime. It is a complicated issue but has definitely affected my view of humanity. As I have said often, I enjoy my stay there: five star hotel, excellent meals, company car with driver, and on. But I feel uneasy at the same time: huge social unjust, rampant corruption and extremely polluted environment…these are readily observable. What is not so obvious is that all walks of life in China know what’s going on but have little power to change it. Even officials I met at the dinner tables admit the problems, despise party leaderships (local and Beijing) and wish reforms.
So take one step back. We have issues here in the US. I am optimistic that collectively, we, Americans, regardless of color, heritage and political believes, stand the best chance to survive.

8/5/2009 07:52:52 am

I did not realize been Chinese/ or not been Chinese was such a issue till when E brought up the subject that "she felt she was not Chinese enough" when she was in high school. At the time my answer to her was "what was wrong with not been Chinese enough? you are who you want yourself to be. it is just a label."
I had evolved differently than the more typical "Chinese" after coming to the states. I always felt I did not quite fit in the Chinese community. I always felt there were some kind of "expectation" of how a Chinese person
should 'behave", "react" to fellow Chinese or non-Chinese. I did not fit that mold, nor did I want to. I made friends with/ associate with people I wanted to be friends with. It was not exclusively Chinese or non-Chinese. I
do not want to and felt I should not be limited by a label someone else imposed on me. I am not ashamed of it, If that means some Chinese people think I am not Chinese enough. I am who I am and not been Chinese enough does not mean I identify with "white people" either.
Jess, if you think unequalty is unique and a racial problem in this country, you are wrong. I think this as you said yourself more like haves/have nots, class, power issue and exists in all cultures and countries. Discrimination
is every where in all shapes and forms. You are discriminated because your are Chinese/ black/ fat/ ugly/speaking with foreign accent/whatever. Race is one of and more obvious issue. If we take out the race issue, such as China.
the unequalty is even worse. people with connection v/no connection, money v/ poor, north/south, city/country, man/woman, I think it is far worse in China and they don't have the race issue in the equation. I think it is good you are conscientious, but I don't agree you should
pigeon hole yourself into one label. You need to step back, look at the big picture. Are your over analyze things and making thing far more complicated than it already is/was. Or if you need an issue to be your cause?

Jess

8/5/2009 08:06:04 am

a response to HY:

i think in many ways china reminds me that eventhough in the united states we might associate the prevailing capitalistic system with "white," people of color also play a large role in its existence. one may argue that its orgins are white and that china's current income disparity and corruption is solely a western influence [another form of cultural imperialism], but i'm not sure how useful that conversation is anyway.
i think it's important to recognize the linkage between white and power, rich and power, etc. but on its own, that's not enough. the linkage is only useful if we see it as a way to understand ourselves and our fellow brothers and sisters within the context of the system so we can change it.
Why do you think the US has the best chance to survive?

8/5/2009 08:06:47 am

hina is not flexible enough to correct its own problems. A few elite people control the majority. These people are not just party officials. They are opportunists and only care for themselves. Additionally, China's huge population is root of all problems. If China could reduce population down to ~600 million, there would be hope. Otherwise, it would be very difficult to raise quality of life...too many resources would be needed.
The US system can correct itself because we are an open society. And we are not in a crunch for resources yet.

Jess

8/5/2009 08:07:36 am

i can see your point and i think that makes sense. but it does occur to me that part of the reason why the US is not in a cruch for resources yet is because we've exploited many parts of the world (and our own citizens) in order to maintain a higher quality of living at an artificially cheap cost. i would not only point to overpopulation as a root of problems but also a success/materialistic based mentality which is unable to deal with a large number of people.

about this blog

A place where I can write my thoughts on race, on privilege, on class, on being a doctor. Part of the endless struggle to become a little bit more enlightened and feel a little less alienated.

Agree with me. Call me out. Pass it on.

I post once or twice a month with smaller comments on mini-blog.

about me

My name is Jess. In the interest of full disclosure: I'm a 30-something-year-old Chinese American and believer that the quest for social justice and equity must be an intentional and active one. I'm a Family Medicine physician. I'm queer. I'm a radical. I grew up in a mostly white suburb and my parents are white-collar workers. And I don't eat meat, but I miss it sometimes.